Customers Part II: Why Literacy is Important

            I have sounded off before on this blog about particular fine citizens who have graced my place of employment with their amazing rudeness. Today I would like to talk about another group of patrons of the convenience store world: stupid people.

            A few months back, I was tending the register at the front counter and a man in his mid twenties walked up, and set his desired purchases on the counter. He was wearing what he normally wears to the store: a pair of dress pants with dress shoes, and a button down work shirt with a cell phone company logo from his job on the right breast. His hunt of the aisles yielded three 2-liter bottles of mountain dew, and a box of imitation Twinkies (you know… the essentials). I remember this because this guy gets this same group of items weekly. This occasion however he also wanted a “five-hour energy” from the case on the counter. So he gestured toward the case and said “Gimme one of those too.” As I moved over to the case of tiny, shot sized bottles I asked him what flavor he would like. He looked at the case for a second and said “I’ll take that red one.”I took a moment to sigh silently to myself. Immediately I knew that my day was about to be invaded by idiocy. I threw on my best customer service voice and explained to the man that six of the seven different types of bottles in the case were red and that he’d have to be slightly more specific. He looked at me and asked this question

“What flavor is the red one?”

Here’s what I said to him spoken in American Dialect English

“Hey Idiot, they’re all red and each one is a different flavor. If you’re too dumb to figure out what these strings of letters that make up words mean there are tiny pictures of the fruit that show what each one is supposed to taste like.”

Here’s how it came out of my mouth translated into Customer Service Dialect

“Well sir, they’re all labeled with individual flavors on each bottle.”

He then proceeded to point to a specific bottle and ask me what flavor that particular one was. Sadly, like an elderly woman at an elementary school does for a first grader; I read to this grown man.

“Grape”

“what about that one?”

“Berry”

“Is that one the same as the Grape?”

“No”

This went on for each of the seven different flavors!! Finally he made his selection and then asked me to grab him a lottery ticket. At that moment sheer terror swept through me. If this man ever won the lottery there would be no such thing as justice. If this man who was either too dumb or too lazy to read the flavors on a five hour energy bottle won millions upon millions of dollars, I would leave this country because it had failed in keeping justice. I also realized that in buying a lottery ticket he also proved that he legally can vote in elections, and do anything else that adult citizens of the United States could do.

For all our sake, I hope he doesn’t