How My Childhood Got Poohed On

Say no to the Pooh

I like bears. This fascination most likely stems from my obsession with the Werner Herzog documentary “Grizzly Man” which I’ve seen more times than I can count. My fantasy football team is the Sheboygan Grizzly Men. I have used bears as unit of physical strength measurement before. For example: A bear has one “Bear” of strength, A T-rex would have like 15 “Bears” of strength, Batman would have like six “Bears”, and so on. Bears are something that I enjoy talking about and enjoy learning about for strange reasons. There is one bear however who I do not approve of. This bear stole part of my childhood, part that I will never get to experience again. He and his band of animals with personality disorders destroyed something that created some of my oldest fond memories.

This year for spring break I’m heading to Disney world with some friends. This will mark my first return to the most magical place on earth since 2001 when I was in fourth grade. Before that I had been there once before. I was very young, probably four or five years old. I remember this trip to Disney world probably more than the rest of that year of my life. Specifically I remember spending lots of time with my dad.

I am the youngest of four children and on that trip to Disney world I was too short to ride most of the rides.  My Dad, who couldn’t ride most of the rides because he has problems with motion sickness would stay with me and we’d go to other attractions. The most memorable instance of this was when the rest of our family went on the “Space Mountain” roller coaster. My dad and I found a ride that I was tall enough to ride in “Mr. Toad’s wild ride”. This ride, to the four or five year old Jeremy was the greatest thing on the planet. I remember riding it 3 times while waiting for my siblings and my mom to get through the line and ride “space mountain” just once. I’m pretty sure we went and rode “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride” at least one more time while waiting for the rest of the family a different time.

Fast forward to 2001 when I returned to the Mecca of childhood dreams. While searching for the same ride that captivated my young heart. I came across the spot that it should have been only to find it missing. In its place was a Giant stupid bear with a red t-shirt and no pants staring back at me. “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride” was replaced with “Winnie The Pooh’s Honey Pot Adventures”. This is inexcusable. This is why I hate that bear. I have since boycotted all Winnie The Pooh related things.

I have really never spent a lot of time with any donkeys but if I ever meet one he better be nothing far from spritely, I won’t have anything to do with him if he even resembles that sad sack of a donkey who is friends with Winnie. This may make any sort of grand canyon trip a little more difficult but  I can live with that so long as I am in no way showing compassion towards anything related to that fuzzy bear.

If I hear Kenny Loggins I better be taking the highway to the danger zone, cutting a few feet loose, or possibly learning about how my parents can’t do musically related things, because if I hear “Return to Pooh Corner”: See ya later Kenny. “Count all the bees in the hive?!” Really Mr. Loggins? Hey kids, found a bee hive? Why don’t you get close enough to count them. Not to mention that any other song featuring the words “Back to the days of Pooh” would seem really gross.

Many people in Sheboygan might know of the pooh bear that is high in a tree across Taylor drive from festival foods. It has been stuck up there since I can remember and last time I paid attention it still was. I sadly was not the person who marooned the bear in the tree but seeing him in his weathered state gives me hope that one day, he will fall from his tree and be ripped to pieces by raccoons or something.

I urge all who read this to join me in this boycott. How long will it be before your favorite theme park ride is taken over by an animal who wears a shirt but has not the decency to wear a pair of pants. It’s the right thing to do.